| i'm the one who never believes in myself.
this isn't about anyone else.
i don't know when something stops being a phase and starts just being a part of a person
or why something you always do can make your life awesome at some times and make everything completely awful at other times.
i still feel like that stupid insecure kid.
i want to be successful in something.
i just really hate my brain sometimes and what it does to me. i'm tired of torturing myself all the time. it's exhausting, it prevents me from doing work which gives me more to torture myself about.
i want to just have productive thoughts.
and maybe there was a time when these self-criticisms were productive but really they aren't right now.
but i've never been someone i didn't hate so i don't even know how i would get there.
it's just all the things inside me that make me hate everything outside. it's not anything else. and it's not going to get better if i change the outside and not the inside.
i tell myself i can't do it even more than other people tell me i can't do it. i wish other people wouldn't do that at all. i don't need that. that advice just to "take it easy" or "make it easier on yourself." i always give in to that.
i never finish anything. i go into everything too hard and then feel like i have nothing left to sustain myself for the rest of the time and get too tired to finish and successfully demotivate myself and i stop. i always stop.
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